Self Control

Tonight, I had a talk with a co-worker of mine and it really opened my eyes to just sit down and talk to somebody with a whole different outlook on life. I feel as if i have corrupted myself as a person. I feel as if I have let a lot of people down. I do things that make me feel great in the moment but when its all over im back to where i was all over again. I dont understand sometimes how i got to the point where i am with the way i was raised...i have a wonderful and amazing family with loving parents who care about me so much. I dont know if its insecurity with myself to succeed in things or what? However, I know this for a FACT......If I cannot control a certain area in my life, I will do something to feel that I am in control. I force myself to look as if I am in control but I always end up hurting myself realizing the pain i feel. I know that I am worth more than what ive been giving myself, I am living for a purpose and am a good looking young woman for a reason. I have taken advantage of everything god has given me and thrown it all away for absolutely no reason. I really need to change the ways i think, my whole outlook on life and the way i treat some people. If I dont do this soon I will honestly end up somewhere i never expected to be. I dont know what else to say......

It's Easier Said Than Done

I've come to the conclusion that no two people are necessarily perfect for another, you must see everything in someone and accept them as a whole in order to be happy. Does this make sense? "We waste time looking for the perfect....lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I never really understood what it took from ME to actually give my love to someone. Now, after being in a relationship for as long as i was it sucks knowing that I could have easily given and showed less and got more out of it. I feel as if i wasted more energy trying to keep my relationship together than actually enjoying it. Have you ever been hurt so many times by one person and lied to so many times by someone and your heart tells you that you just can't do it anymore...your exhausted...drained...fed up! I want to be happy and know that I am putting my positive efforts into something worth having. I want to know that my relationship with someone will be together tomorrow instead of fighting to keep it. Of course, love will definetly have you making choices you thought you would never make but if in the end the two of you are both happy, so be it. Somebody close to me has noticed how passive i am about some things and asked me one day "Why don't you just care more about things? Why don't you just be a bitch?" Well because it seemed that when i cared more, everything and everyone i cared about cared less. So why waste my energy on people who could give a shit? I am so unbelievably patient, i am so loving, i show so much affection, i have so much to give but very few i know that actually deserve it. From now on I choose to be more active/lively in my reactions to things, my responses to others...more aggressive if you will. We will see how this goes. I just want people to stay out of my business. Don't worry about me and mine. Don't worry about what im doing. Don't ask questions if your not ready to know the answer. Don't assume things when you don't know the straight facts. Don't tell me im doing something when im not doing it. Don't promise me something and break that promise. Don't cheat me. Don't yell at me. Do not ever disrespect me, my family or any of my friends. Most of all, Do not lie to me....because that attitude of "anything you can do i can do better" will definetly come back and it will come back 10 times harder than I used to do it. I don't want that for myself. I don't know how some people can think that way sometimes. I am a happy person. I would rather be smiling any day than moping and sitting around wondering when my life is gonna change or who's gonna treat me right? I am more of an optimistic person and choose not to dwell on those things. I would rather focus on the things I want. I want someone who will take my feelings into consideration at all times. I may forget what you say but I will always remember how you made me feel. I have a very good memory. I want everything positive. I realized that not every man is perfect and I believe this to be true. However, ladies please....ackowledge a man's positve efforts before you criticize his "1" mistake made. I see a man for what he is. I see the man that you have shown me and a man that I know I can always believe in. God has blessed me with someone understanding, trustworthy and most definetly strong, but always remember as much as you don't believe this "Behind every successful man, there is a successful woman" and i will never stop you from being the man you want to be. I will help to lead you into the right direction, to exceed your expectations, to succeed in everything you've ever wanted to do. "Every superhero has his weakness...." with that said, You are my Superhero! G'night.

Learn? Love? Live?

Yesterday just wasnt a good day. I felt so thrown off by everything that happened. I felt alone and unwanted almost miserable but i would never allow myself to feel that way. I dont get how sometimes in my life i can be so overwhelmed with attention and people surrounding me with love, then there comes a time when it seems as if nobody even thinks i exist. I hate that everytime I hope for the absolute undivided attention from someone that someone of unimportance gives that attention to me or everyone else but that one does. What is it that everyone else see's in me? I haven't allowed myself to feel as if I am not doing enough because I know in my heart that I can only DO SO MUCH. I think with my heart and not with my head. If there is any doubt in my heart about anything in my life the only smart thing to do is to slowly try and figure out what is best for myself. I have been introduced to so many people in the past few years and each person has taught me something new about life. I didn't necessarily benefit from them but I was pretty much reassured of my beliefs I had about certain things. I was confirmed that my knowledge about certain things were indeed true. I wish I didn't have to go through some events in my past but I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for those times. I have learned love, happiness, affection, trust, betrayal, and many other things. I feel at 24 years old I have seen more than I really should have seen but I choose to keep everything I have seen or been through from those I know because I don't know exactly how any one knowing "me" would react. I have been hurt. I have hurt others and I have let myself down in the past. I choose to do that no longer. I don't understand how many guys in my past I have met say they are ready to settle down or ready for a relationship when in a few weeks or months they are back at it with the same old habits of what they were doing before. Its pretty pitiful from the outside looking in. I also hate when I hear some of my girl friends saying how wonderful their boyfriends are and knowing in the back of my mind the last time I spoke with their boyfriend he was telling me a story about cheating or trying to cheat with me. Is that wrong of me to say? If so I disagree because it is the truth. I have met some of the most intelligent and handsome men who treat themselves as if there was only one meaning in their life. I'm sorry, I am not a fool and definetly not anyones. I will not allow myself to hide everything for my friends anymore. Call me what you want when you want but maybe you shouldn't confide in me if your telling me about my own best girl friend. I chose to set myself free of all my lies in my past and told my ex everything about everything I did wrong when we were together. However, on the subject of dating. Funny thing, my 2 best friends are guys and I have learned everything about "game" bullshit and plain stupidity that other girls fall for. I am a lady and I act like a lady but I can think like a guy. It sucks because I was in the state of mind that "Anything you can do I can do better" but not necessarily better it would be worse. I'm not blind and I am definelty not like any other woman any guy has met. If you want to hurt me so be it but I can guarantee that somwhere down the line I will f*** up your whole world. I will not be treated like s*** anymore or be someone for anyone to walk all over. I'm sorry, I will not make myself available to anyone who doesn't do the same for me. I will not do for you if you do not do for me. I choose not to speak up 95% of the time because when I talk I will talk and I will pisss someone off eventually, I will push buttons. I am unfortunately very good at that. I have very strong points and I can and will make someone feel as if they nothing to me and I can definetly show anyone that they are nothing to me as well. Just as fast as someone came into my life can I easily clear them out. NO! Why would I want to do that to someone or anyone though? Any girl can be a bitch and any girl can nag but it takes a lady to realize who the man is in the relationship and it takes a lady to handle her own anger and to get her point across the right way. I'm tired of bitchy baby mamas who make their childs father look like crap or even talk crap to their children about their father. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry, my ex was not the most financially stable person in the world and probably wasn't the best husband but he is a damn good father and nowhere down the line when my son is growing up will I tell my son that his dad wasn't worth shit. What would that make me? A bitch. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have been hurt so bad in my past that I've now been know to my ex as "heartless." I hurt him in each and every way possible. Knowing everytime I was hurting him I was securing my heart from any pain that would come to me in the future or even just knowing what I was doing would help me to have revenge on him if he ever hurt me. It's twisted. Don't get me wrong, I can love and I can be happy and faithful I just didn't think it would be with him. I doubted my love for him and doubted my own trust in myself and in the end proved to myself everything I never wanted to be. I would lie so much about so many things I would start to believe my own lies. I was THE most compulsive liar I have ever known anyone to be. I will never look back at that person because I deserve more from myself. You learn to let go of things in life and learn from them or regret your choices. I choose to learn from them. I WANT to love someone, I WANT to be faithful, I WANT to give someone my ALL my EVERYTHING! I want someone to know that at any time of any day that he can know that I am there to be by his side. I want that one man to know that even when I am not by his side that I am making those right choices to be true and to be faithful and to be real. I want to be able to trust someone instead of hurting them. I will trust and love. I want to know that when I do meet that one person in my life that I KNOW in my heart that without any doubt at all that I can and will give my undivided attention to them. I don't know if karma will come back to me but god will forgive me for my past and he will bless me with that one person who knows the true person I am. Someone who believes in me. Someone who is in it for the long run. I have learned from everything I have done wrong. I have learned from from everytime I have been hurt. I have learned from everytime I have lied that I am not pleasing a damn person. God has put me on this earth to learn and to love and to live and with everything I have been through I have been given the strength to believe in myself, to be true to myself and to other.s